NaBloPoMo – Amanda Unvarnished

There are days when I get up feeling like I could conquer the world. And then, there are those other days. The days when I don’t think I’ll be able to get out of bed, let alone do anything else. And the hardest part about those days is knowing that I have a ton of daily tasks to get done, and not enough energy to do them. These are the days when it’s very important to remind myself to take things one day, or one hour, or one minute, or even one second at a time; when I have to remind myself that I’m not Superman, and that my personal worth doesn’t depend on whether I did an allotted amount of work; when I have to remind myself that tomorrow’s another day, and that sometimes it’s OK to just slow down and take things as they come. Fatigue, both physical and mental, is a big part of Lupus, and a lot of the time, that’s the biggest battle for me, far and above the pain caused by any of the other attendant symptoms. Often, I berate myself for being lazy, even though I know this is completely irrational, because there is a good reason for not moving, or not getting as much work done as I would like. I know, on a rational level, that I’m not lazy, but sometimes the self-hatred can become overpowering. But I know in these cases that my emotions are getting the better of me, and I have to stop and tell myself to look at my situation logically and rationally. In this year of 2013, I plan to pay more attention so that when my emotions start to run wild and I start to berate myself, I can stop and reorient to a more rational perspective. I know that this will take a lot of effort and prayer on my part, but I believe I can be successful. And on the days I stumble, I will remember to tell myself that tomorrow’s another day.

This post is part of a series for National Blog Post Month, (NaBloPoMo). If you would like to participate, or read other posts, go to the NaBloMoPo site, and be sure to add your post to the list.

When it comes to replenishing the energy supply, I’m not too sophisticated. Right now, my biggest energy source is caffeine in its various forms: coffee, tea, and my absolute favorite, Coke. Personally, I believe Coke is the elyxir of life. This is problematic though, because Coke is extremely unhealthy, (twelve ounces of the stuff equals about 140 calories, all of which are empty), and it has the potential to sabotage all of my goals relating to becoming more healthy. But it tastes so good. There’s nothing like that first swallow. The shock to your taste buds is the best. I’ve tried other versions, (diet Coke, Coke Zero), but while I can stand these and will drink them, they don’t quite do the trick. I’m sure almost all of my love for Coke is purely psychological. But it’s a tough monkey, and I don’t think I’ll ever completely give it up. Good thing Weight Watchers doesn’t demand I give it up completely, because I’d be out the door real fast.

In the past, I used to draw energy from spiritual persuits: contemplation, prayer, Torah study. I’ve been very lax when it comes to the area of spirituality in my life, and one of my goals for 2013 is to increase the amount of spirituality in my life. I know that prayer goes hand in hand with my goal of becoming healthier, and that I will never become healthier if I don’t make it a point to look inside and discover what keeps me from doing the right things as far as my body and mind are concerned.

I’m also planning to add more exercise. I know that I will have to take this slowly because of the Lupus, and that’s a hard thing to deal with for me. I find it discouraging when there’s something I want to do, and I can’t because I’m either sick or physically fatigued. Lupus sucks. But it’s something I have to deal with, and I will have to give myself constant reminders that I can’t overdo it, not without serious consequences.

I think if I incorporate the steps I’ve mentioned above into my life this year, I will see progress. Maybe not the outward progress I’d like to see, (at least at first), but definitely progress. And progress is always good.

This post is part of a serious for National Blog Writing Month (NaBloPoMo). If you would like to participate, or read other posts by other participants, go to NaBloPoMo.