[Interior – Olive Garden, festive Italian music playing]
Me: Is it true that when you’re here, you’re family?
Waiter: Absolutely! We strive to make everyone feel welcome and like they are part of the family. Mangia! Hahaha!
Me: That’s awesome.
[intense music]
Me: I really need your help. I’m in debt way over my head, and I don’t have any one else to ask. Can you spot me the money?
Waiter: Oh, here we go again! I can’t just bail you out. You need to learn personal responsibility.
Me: Look, the thrill of gambling got the best of me. Instead of winning, I lost, big time. I owe money to some very scary people. Can’t you just help me out this one time?
Waiter: I can’t keep bailing you out all the time! It won’t solve the underlying problem. Maybe you should chalk it up as a growth opportunity?
Me: Oh, c’mon! You helped Debbie when she got in that car accident!
Waiter: Don’t you take that tone with me young man! That was different, she wasn’t at fault, and she needed a car to get to work. This is just like you! How dare you try to guilt trip me!
Me: Whatever, you are being an asshole like always! Bad things will happen to me if I don’t pay back the debt. I know you have never given a shit about me, but do you think could try at least once in my life?
Waiter: That’s a lie! I care deeply about you, and it pains me to see you like this. But if I keep letting you avoid the consequences, you’ll never learn. Let’s find a solution together. Have you ever though about seeking professional help or credit counseling?
Me: I guess I was hoping you could wave your magic wand and solve this for me. You’re right; I need to clean up my own mess.
[cheerful upbeat music]
Waiter: That’s the spirit! I’ll support you through this process. Let your mistakes be your teachers. I want you to grow and become the man you are supposed to be.
Me: Thanks, it’s a bitter pill, but it’s about time I finally man up. Can I at least have a hug?
Waiter: Sorry, the best I can do is more breadsticks and salad!
Me: Hahah, bring them on!
[I walk into the bathroom and shimmy out the window and curl up in the fetal position to hide in a dumpster]
Voiceover: Olive Garden, because when you’re here, you’re family!