influencer voice what’s up guys, it’s [famous tech reviewer], today we’re looking at [some shit that’s gonna turn into ewaste in two years]. i’m so excited, it’s 8% faster than [last year’s version of the same exact shit].
we’re gonna be comparing it against [three other versions of the same shit from different manufactures] — not to get ahead of ourselves, but it really packs a punch for its price (conspicuously doesn’t mention that the price is what it is because of slavery and worker exploitation)
but before we get into that, a word from our sponsor, [some fucking bullshit vpn company that you’re going to let slurp up your data because i told you they’re good for your privacy and you have a parasocial relationship with me that turns off your critical thinking skills]